I've ica tomorrow. But I can't concentrate at all. My family is breaking up. So many things distracted me from studying. Right now, I'm on the verge of breaking up. One night away from home and this is what I get. Why can't she understand how important studies is? She did sooo badly for her mid-years and she still tink she's in the right. PSLE is jus round the corner but all she is doing is chatting on the msn or blog-hopping around.
What the hell is her mind thinking about? Leaving home? Telling me in the face that this family doesn't care about her just broke my heart into pieces. No matter what, we didn't tell her off for anything. I admit that being the youngest with ten yrs age gap in the family really is difficult to fit in but still, she should never have resorted to this kind of method of........
Mum's going crazy, Dad's not bothering, Sis' not concern about what's happening at home, Me breaking down and her being the cause of everything. I used to be proud of my family. We used to be very bonded.. Having family talks and gatherings everytime. We used to talk about almost everything under the sun and moon. We used to be soo open with each other and not having any unknown secrets and all.. But it's all lost..
If growing up is what these is all about.. I don't wana grow up..
Right now, I lost the motivation to study for the ica. I really wana do well. Failing this semester means retaining the module. I don't get it. Why must they assume that whatever people took years to lean, we could learn it in one semester? and Why when the other batches before us took the sup papers for granted and that we'll do the same? I needed that to help me pass my modules. I'm sure. But they scraped it off just like that. I need help. I really do. I don't knowhow to go on about it. I need teachers like Mr Goh, Ms Lim, Mr Lee and such.. I wan my past back.
As I grew over the years, I find loneliness creeping up to me conquering my whole body and mind.
I lost my friends. Those who used to be my confidate.
I lost him, the pillar of my life.
I lost my character.
I lost my dignity.
I lost my family. my motivation.
I lost the drive to study hard for my goals
I lost..... everything.
Appeared cheerful on the outside is what I do everyday.
I can talk no more with my family. esp mum.
I can find no one to listen to me frustrations.
I can no longer show my love to the other one.
No more shoulders to lean on.
No more thighs to sleep on.
Seriously, I envied those who managed to keep their r/s, f/s, k/s surviving. I read blogs.. How I wished that I'm them instead.
Why did everything change?
What did I do?
To deserve this kind of destiny?
I know I've grown up now.
I need no more hugs from daddy and mummy..
But I'm still just a little girl..
Why is saying a little encouragements so difficult to them?
Why must they think that only by entering the university 2 + years down the road then can I bring honour to my family?
Why is pressure all they know how to shower on me?
Why not love?
Relatives all waiting to see me break down and die in a pile of shit.
I know they look down on me.
But rumouring that I will not survive through the first year in the course is bad.
Real bad.
Why?? JC is better than poly?? What crap is that?
Where's the defination that conclude JC is better than poly?
I will withdraw from the course?
I was lucky?
Am I really what they say..? Lucky?
Or maybe... UN-lucky?
You.
Left me when you knew that we'll be venturing towards different directions in future.
FAR away from each other.....
Have you ever tried to keep this r/s alive?
Where's all the promises and determination you tried to keep them alive in me gone to?
All the heart-to-heart talks and conclusions of the future life just vanished in your mind?
Just because I'm a different race from you?
Just for the fun of it?
Or just because we were in the same school and cca?
We could meet up almost everyday?
Did any of our memories occur to you when you're doing it with another her?
Do you really have any idea what a r/s is all about?
Them.
What the crap about *must keep our f/s alive even though we'll be in diff poly(s) and all*?
Throwing old friends aside when you found new friends.
Is that what you meant?
You never plan on going back to the past?
So now, new friends are better than old ones.
Backstabbing is what I learnt from this f/s of ours.
We never.. right in the beginning. meant what we said.
Us.
Though we have the ring.
Did it ever remind you all of anything whenever you're wearing it?
Or it is just another accessories addition?
I'm sorry if I ever offended anyone. I mean ANYONE in this post.
I'm just very tired of what I'm facing right now.
I have no one or thing to vent it on.
Hence, the entry.
I just let the fingers do the typing and my mind the thoughts and conclusions.
So, if you ever feel anything negative about this entry or maybe ... just me.
Don't even start. Please.
I am very tired.
Don't forced me to the corner.
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